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| Yes, she tied for first with 5 likes. See, it's easy to play folks. P.s. my blog is lame. (<---example of my frequent self deprecating) |
A friendship with an ex is initially defined by the conditions of the relationship. It may seem clinical, but I believe you must examine a few key points to determine whether a friendship is the right progression (or regression, depending) between you.
If you are already close friends with an ex and you are both in healthy relationships, you may skip ahead. This part probably doesn't concern you.
There are potentially two different answers to Kat's question.
We start by answering these rudimentary questions:
1) Are you out of love?
Are you over your ex? Are they over you?
2) Was your ex a positive or negative influence in your life?
Did you develop or perpetuate bad personal habits while
you were with this person or were you inimical in any way?
If you don't know the answer to these questions, just ask your best friend. They will be surprisingly forthcoming.
If you said no to the first question, a friendship with an ex is certainly out of the question.
I'll rephrase. A healthy friendship with the ex is a fool's dream.
Many of you will feel obligated to try, but you might acknowledge that doing so could stymie a relationship with someone else and/or prevent certain advances in your own emotional recovery.
The paradoxical situation is that often a necessary evolution in getting over an ex is to date someone else.
And such is life.
Concerning the second question, if this person fails to get a glowing report card from your best friend—you might want to cancel that tentative lunch or coffee date with the ex for now. Wait and see if this old flame learns any new tricks.
Give them some time to grow without you, it could be what you both need.
To summarize, a friendship with an ex is only unhealthy if you (or the ex) are too attached (i.e. not over one another) or the ex is a harmful, hurtful, or negative force in your life.
Could a close friendship with an ex be potentially damaging to other relationships? Yes, only if this close friendship with an ex exists outside of the framework for what we defined as "healthy"—or—if your significant other is insecure of this friendship (i.e. doesn't trust you or believes the friendship to be unhealthy).
A lot of this rests on your own constitution of trust. Are you a trusting person? Do you seek out other trusting people? I can't stress enough how fundamental and significant trust is in a relationship. But most of you have already caught on to this.
Blog winner Kat suggested, "As we learn from How I Met Your Mother, you never invite your ex to your wedding".
I'll expound on this idea.
Specifically she is referring to S4:E5, Shelter Island.
In a couples telepathy misfire, Ted and Stella expedite their wedding to fill the reservation hole left by Stella's sister's own miscarried wedding.
After an astringent (and somewhat ominous) warning from Stella "Having exes around brings up unresolved things. . . how do you know that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there?" Ted proceeds to invite both his ex (Robin) and Stella's ex (Tony). The gang ruminates over the 'no exes at weddings' theory and Barney blows it with Robin again. . . etc.
While Robin is broadcasting her own concerns about being at an ex's wedding—the spark does come back between Tony and Stella and the unresolved issue torch they once carried together is bestowed upon Ted, the now jilted groom.
From this perspective—YES—never invite an ex to a wedding. Both couples were thwarted by the number one question, are you out of love?
As you see throughout the series, a myriad of ladies sense Ted's unresolved feelings for Robin and are, if not at first apprehensive—eventually completely dissuaded by the falsification of their "friendship".
Yes, never invite one of these exes to a wedding. But the larger take away may be—never get married if there is an ex out there that you still have such passionate feelings for.
Get over them, get over them quickly—so you can move on. But don't move on just so you can get over them.
I'll personalize this. So I don't sound half-cocked.
None of my exes have ever invited me to their wedding. I'm not holding my breath either.
I have had only one wedding, at a delicate 23 years of age. . . too young to have cultivated a sleek portfolio of exes that I also then had time to tenure into close, unassuming platonic friendships. But had I . . . we may never know how many exes I would've invited. . .
If my ex-husband invited me today to his wedding, I would love to go. To see him as happy as I once knew him to be, to share in that happiness again. What a great experience. What a great gift to share with a friend.
And what if his (fictional) bride didn't approve this invite? What if she shared in Stella's fear, her disapproval, her anxiety?
I'd get over it. But I'd be reluctant to house as much happiness for my ex because I'd know his bride was insecure. I'd know by her disapproval that she either resented me, disliked me, or feared me. And that's either bad news for me—or for him. Because if it was fear of me. . . that would imply she didn't trust me (whatever) or worse—that she didn't trust him. And that would be a burden on him regardless of my attendance at the wedding.
My guess is that not many exes make the cut when pre-nuptial couples are penning their guest lists. The tendency to avoid inviting any exes to a wedding can be easily explained—it is just easier not too.
So you don't invite your ex? Say they are upset about this. Chances are they are upset at you for a lot of things, after all you are broken up, however, the beauty of that is not having to worry so much that the things you do will upset them.
Your new bride or groom however. . . let's not take the chance, right? Not worth it, right?
We don't really want to risk asking— risk finding out our soon to be spouse is jealous of our friendship(s) with an ex. Let's stay blissfully unaware. Because it is just easier.
Craig Thomas and Carter Bays have not leaked a PDF of Ted Mosby's wedding guest list but I will gamble on this. Robin Scherbatksy's name is on it. We know this because before Ted marries the infamous mother of his children, he will have successfully gotten over Robin. Their friendship will be legitimate and the foundation he builds his marriage on will be veracious, because that is who Ted is.
He is carefully written that way.
We, not made for TV characters, tend to have more flaws (and less exes). We have insecurities, we have fears, not to mention alcohol and a slew of facebook followers who will validate just about any of our ridiculous notions.
Acknowledging this, it must be said—the reality of not being trusted by the person you love or not feeling like you can trust the person that you love is an unmistakably shitty feeling.
We are lucky to engage in relationships. To have these opportunities to seek out love and affection. And we are even luckier still if after these relationships fail we can glean the good that came from them and form lasting friendships that carry us throughout life. And we are the most lucky if we can find someone who loves us so perfectly and is so comfortable with loving us that they can say "Yeah, the more the merrier. Invite everyone that is important to you. Especially __________ , they should definitely come".
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| Dr. Barbie broke Ted's heart* |
*I love Sarah Chalke. She is not a skank.
