Oops, I clicked it again

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

Almost never have I made a drunken Amazon purchase. 
This is true only because, for me, shopping and acquiring do not give me pleasure. When I am fully inebriated, I try to stay away from such laborious and joyless responsibilities. 
However, in the past (when drunk), I would find myself online...

...I would take to social media like it was my mountain and I, Roland Orzabal of Tears For Fears.

In other words, nothing was too embarrassing for me to post. 
It wasn't that I didn't have any shame, it's just that my shame was floating on top of a pint glass and I must have swallowed it — or something ... 

In the easiest words possible, I was a drunk — and I preferred online sharing to online shopping. 

For Example

But oh, how much easier my life could have been if only I'd retreated from playing Silver Strike and treated myself to some guilty shopping pleasures. 
Instead of just a hangover (and an overwhelming sense I need to apologize to someone) I would wake up to something more ... something new at my door. 

It could have been this:

Jack Burton figurine 

Or:

John C. McGinley trading card

Even: 

Jason Segel pillowcase

No matter what ridiculous item I drunk shopped, the consequences seem less traumatic and definitely more delightful.  I wish Danny had filled my head with the idea of this drunk decorating earlier. 

My Amazon purchases are, in truth, quite lame. 

I buy school books, shoes, household items, and toiletries through Amazon. Only once did I buy something unique ... and frankly I had to because I was so shocked it was being sold on Amazon, if you follow. 

My wish list now consists of more housewares, some video games, some books, a swatch watch, and a new liner for my dog's bed. 

Basically—lots of uninspired stuff that if I got drunk now and bought it, the psychological repercussions would be low to null. 

I did some reading and found that "buy and ship now" syndrome is occurring and is nothing to screw around with. 

I wanted to make Danny a video inspired by his suggestion, but I came down with icky strep throat and lacked the physical strength to do so by deadline. In fact, I barely have the mental faculties now to write this.

What I propose is this:

If you have been afflicted with "buy and ship now" syndrome (please) tell me your most anguishing purchase. 

You can do so anonymously as a comment on the blog. I will pick one and dedicate a video segment to it ... and who knows, maybe it will facilitate a little healing?  

Framing the conversation: coolness is an optical illusion

week 11 winner

I always felt extremely fortunate to have perfect vision.  
You see*, there aren't many things I am good at. 
I don't wish to devalue myself. These are just the facts.

· I don't draw well
· I don't sing well
· I don't dance well
· I'm a woman so, of course, I can't drive well
· I'm not a very effective feminist ☝
· I don't take compliments well
· etcetera 

But I can burp at will and I can see perfectly, 20/20. 
Well, that is, I could see perfectly. 

This happened—March 19 2013

My vision declined rapidly and with seemingly little provocation. 

I remember it like it was six months ago, because it was six months ago. 
Spring semester, 2013. 

I was convinced that the projectors in my class rooms were out of focus. 
That's right. I convinced myself that multiple projectors were out of focus.
I would form my hands around my face in a vain attempt to refract my own light. I would even do this while watching TV. 
My boyfriend told me I needed glasses.
I said, "No way, that's silly. I have perfect vision". 

He would smile.

It started to really stress me out that I couldn't see. I did a myriad of web searches to sleuth out what disease I possibly had that was causing my blindness**. 
To no avail.
One day at school I had a full blown panic attack. 
I fell apart. I couldn't breath. I couldn't see. I could barely walk. 
I was scared.
I made an appointment with an optometrist.  

Once diagnosed with an astigmatism I had to wait several long weeks for my very expensive glasses. 
Once I received the glasses I had to find out all on my own what happens when you:
· open the dryer
· have a cup of hot tea
· are caught in the rain
· work in a restaurant 
· live in a humid climate
· go to hug people!
I mean, someone should've told me (srsly guys)!***

That is a lovely story Val, but aren't you supposed to write about wearing glasses without a prescription?

Yes. And here is my confession.

"These are cute. I wish I could wear glasses". 

These were the words I said [out loud] while I ogled my mother's glasses this past Winter break when she visited me.

I don't believe I invoked optical damage with this utterance …
but I do understand the visually gifted's eyewear envy. 
The glasses were cute in the same way someone else's child is … for a minute. 

Not knowing that desperate dependency to the glasses, I could adore them from a safe distance. 
In the same way that not having to take that child home [and keep him/her alive] defines a much different relationship.

I did my usual amount of research for this piece and I noticed a
unanimous outcry from the visually impaired who feel as though their handicap is being exploited for vanity. 
The comparison of using a walking cane when you do not need assistance walking was made often and there is much logic to this criticism. 
The idea that glasses are being elevated to chic, sexy, and stylish is of very little consolation. Most would trade this desired aesthetic for better vision any day. 
Counter arguments were made in the name of fashion owning that nothing is of limits when it comes to accessorizing; you don't have to be a ballerina to wear ballet flats, you don't have to be on a boat to wear a skipper's hat, and other bad examples. 

What I have learned is that I feel incredibly self conscious in my glasses.****
When people see me in my glasses I feel like they know that I have failed at something. 
Then I assume they know everything I have failed at. 

The glasses are meant to make me stronger, so I can see better. But when I wear them, I feel vulnerable. 

I know I am projecting these fears and I know it is nonsense to feel this way. 

My issue is that I haven't embraced my new identity, "needs glasses". 
I would still rather squint than admit I need help seeing, and this has been a running theme for me. 
The truth is, the ability to see confidently could, in fact, make me look confident. 

If people want to wear vanity frames, please, go ahead. 
Because even with a visual handicap — I can clearly see*^5 how little the fashion choices of other's matters. 

Srsly guys. *^6 

         Burberry Grace

      I take you out of your case

         I put you on my face

        And know I can see all over the place

*first and only pun
**I even peed on a stick
***I used internet shorthand! I'm all grown up now. Ew, I feel gross. I nd a shwr, brb. 
****Even though my boyfriend adores me in them
*****I lied, another pun
******srsly is seriously not a word, but I can clearly see how little the online/sms language choices of others matters. 

I srsly should not take credit for that poem, it's pretty lame.